Monday, June 19, 2000

I really need to take a trip somewhere. Not for business, not a family vacation - I need a trip that will really shake my life up.

It's not like I want something that will completely destroy my world, or indelibly mark me, I just need some excitement. Life in Potsdam is stagnant. It has been stagnant for the past two years. The farthest I've been from this place in that time is Syracuse. Not really much of a trip, when one thinks of it. It used to be that a trip to Syracuse meant a trip to the airport, to get on a place for places even further away. My last trip to that city found me back in Potsdam by late afternoon.

My younger brother went to France recently. He's back now, of course. He even got his picture in the paper, along with a few other students from Potsdam High. He's standing in the grayscale photograph, smiling next to one of his friends, both of them looking like they own the world.

Do you know how fucking long it's been since I looked like that?

A couple of nights ago I drove out to WAIH to investigate why there was dead-air when I turned on my radio. At first I had thought that our tape was just resetting itself, before it started playing again. I waited for a few minutes, but when I didn't hear a station ID followed by music, I became concerned. I drove to the air studio, and found out that the Clarkson DJ had done a make-up show for the one he missed. The reason we had no sound was because he closed-up the air studio improperly. A few switches flipped here and there, and WAIH was back to normal.

As I walked back out to the car to drive home, I couldn't help but think about what a beautiful night it was. I didn't want to drive back. I wanted to stay outside, in the cool air, under the full moon. The night was perfect, and a perfect night doesn't come along all the time.

I wasted it though, and drove directly back to my house. What did it matter anyhow? The night itself may have been perfect, but as for me - it wouldn't have made a difference. No matter where I had gone that night, I would have still been in Potsdam. It would have still been my life that I was existing in. Overall, nothing would have changed.

For someone who despises change, I seem to want it a whole fucking lot right now. It's mostly a change of scenery though. There must be more though - more than just a change of scenery.

Before he left, the Tall Guy once said to me something to the effect of he was ready to get on with his life, but he was stuck. I think that's what he said - I can't remember exactly. All I know what that he said it after one of our visits to the graveyard that had gone wrong - a night where we were more unwelcome intruders than visitors.

Although I can't remember exactly what he said, I think I know what he meant. He felt as if Potsdam no longer had anything to offer, and he wanted to go where there was an opportunity. Sometimes one needs to spread their wings and fly, and Potsdam was acting as a small cage.

I'm longing to fly myself. The locks on my cage are all too apparent though. I hate the situation I'm in - that I've been forced into.

Before my financial aid was cut at S.U.N.Y. Potsdam, I could at least take comfort in that I could leave at any time with no strings attached. To leave S.U.N.Y. Potsdam at this point would mean bringing the immediate monthly sumptuary drain of student loan repayments upon myself. Money lost to an "education" incomplete. Of course, I lose even more money the longer I stay at S.U.N.Y. Potsdam. I think about it, and I feel used and a bit mistreated.

Maybe - just maybe if I take summer and winter courses and pass all my regular spring/fall semester classes I'll be able to graduate on time. I really don't want to stay in S.U.N.Y. Potsdam, much less Potsdam itself for any longer than necessary. There's not too much I care about around here anymore that would make me stay.

Friday is "charting day" at WAIH. Every Friday, I go through the air logs and see what our DJs have been playing. Then I sigh softly and lament about how our DJs have no taste in music (ha ha).

Seriously though, I like "charting day." I enjoy seeing which albums have gone up in number of spins and which ones are slowly falling into oblivion (except that The Cure is slowly falling into oblivion - *sigh*). It's interesting to see which artist will catch on fire next.

It's Friday that I chart all of WAIH's playlists and report the results to CMJ. By Monday morning, the playlist has been updated to reflect changes in airplay and chart position. New music has been added and old music removed.

Monday is also the day that most promotional companies and label representatives call. I like talking to these people. I just don't always like having to tell them that something isn't charting.

One band that is being pushed currently is Modest Mouse. Perhaps you've heard of them? I wish I hadn't.

I persoanally reviewed their new album, The Moon And Antarctica when it graced WAIH's mailbox, and found my ears numbed by the most uninspired combination of one's and zero's ever molded into a five-inch diameter piece of plastic. It was just an awful album!

I was shocked when it was one the number one debut in this week's CMJ. Who are all these other college music directors giving it the adds and why have they no taste in music?

Anyway, Modest Mouse was an "add" for last Monday. This meant that the band's promoter called WAIH asking about them. The main question was, "would they be added to WAIH's playlist?" I had to be honest, "I really don't think it's up to the musical standards held by WAIH, so I'm afraid it won't be added."

"Oh," I was told, "well if that's the way you feel then that's okay. It's just that they're one of my favorite bands." Ouch...I can imagine that this promoter felt the same way I felt when the new Pink Floyd album wasn't put on playlist under the music direction of my predecessor (Bauhaus, The Violent Femmes and Bobby Gaylor were also shortchanged).

Of course, Pink Floyd, Bauhaus, The Violent Femmes and Bobby Gaylor are good artists. Modest Mouse is...not. Why are all these other college radio stations giving this group so much airplay? Do they know something I don't?

I was very pleased when I got the CMJ for this week today. They finally put my name in over the listing for WAIH's top 30. For the past few weeks, the former music director's name has been in there. Quite frankly, that pissed me off because he was getting credited for my hard work. Believe me, I called CMJ's offices every week I saw my name not there. The editors are probably breathing a sigh of relief, knowing that I won't be calling this week.